A Play in One Act
Showtime
By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2005
Geralyn Horton
The lobby of a small theatre, one of several in the Off Broadway
district of Boston. There is a big poster on the back wall:
THEATER FACTOTUM presents FALL’s EARLY DRAFTS, a marvelous
marathon of staged readings. See tomorrow’s hits today,
and help shape the Theatre of the Future!”
followed by a list of 4-7 plays and their scheduled starting
times. The producers can make up their own list of titles, but
#3 on the list should be “Desperate House Boys” by C.L.
Shutt followed by #4 “Isabella’s Belles Or The Reign
in Spain” by Robin Waters. The readings are running behind
schedule and people who are waiting to see the next show are seated
in chairs along the wall until the current audience clears out
and the house will be opened for them to take their seats inside.
There is a steady murmur of conversation from the assembled crowd.
Sitting on chairs left to right are the audience members we can
see: the
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
IKE, a nerdy young man wearing a baseball cap, with an iPod in
his pocket and buds in his ears. He seems totally absorbed or
even asleep. Next to Ike is
MARCIA, a youthful 60, rather flamboyantly dressed, and next to
her is
SHIRLEY, quite elegant, approximately the same age as Marcia,
and next to her
GWEN, a local playwright of indeterminate age.
BEN, a rather cranky character whose clothing is somewhere between
sedate and funky and suggests that he might be either an academic
or a theatre techie, enters and sits in the 5th chair, on the
far right.
BEN (to GWEN)
It’ll be at least another 10 minutes before “Isabella’s
Belles” is on. They're running late.
MARCIA (to no one in particular)
An hour late? How can they run an hour late?
BEN (to MARCIA)
With new plays it's hard to predict...
IKE
“House Boys” was over 20 minutes ago. They're still
discussing in there.
GWEN (to BEN)
Want to go in and listen, Ben?
BEN
Not particularly.
GWEN
Sometimes the discussion's more interesting than the show.
BEN
Not to me. (takes a copy of “American Theatre” from
his briefcase and begins to read, making notes on the margins.)
IKE
Big audience, for a staged reading. They had to put in more chairs.
GWEN
Catchy title: “Desperate House Boys”.
IKE
It was pretty funny. Not much to talk about, though.
BEN
Never stops the opinion-mongers.
IKE
Good cast for it. Great comic timing.
GWEN
Who’s in it?
IKE
I didn’t recognize them. Maybe you would? (gives his program
to GWEN)
MARCIA
I promised my niece I’d see her in “Isabelle’s
Belles”, but if it's going to make me late... What time does
Francesca’s close? Can I get my money back...?
SHIRLEY (to Marcia)
Don’t give up. I saw this company’s last marathon, and
it was very enjoyable.
MARCIA
Were the plays all about gays?
(Lobby sound fades. BEN, IKE, and GWEN freeze and listen.)
SHIRLEY
Uh, I-- uh--. There were quite a few gay characters --
MARCIA
All the plays I’ve seen recently were either about power
mad Peters who want to shtupp all the Jennifers and cheat all
the patsies or goodhearted gay Jefferies who just want to love
Jeremies but the whole asshole world is out to ruin their lives.
I’m so sick of that. I hate it.
GWEN (to IKE, distracting others)
These actors are all Equity! Ben? (shows program)
BEN (looks at program)
For a full production they’d have to re-cast.
SHIRLEY
Hating gays is not a very attractive attitude.
MARCIA
I don’t hate gays! I love gays, my family’s full of
them! But I’m sick of sick plays, and sick of guys. Soapbox
or soap opera, when was the last time you saw a mother who isn’t
a monster?
SHIRLEY
Face it, dear. Boys are what it’s all about. Movies, TV,
the newspapers: men tell the stories, men are the stories. What’s
the difference if they’re shtupping Jennifers or each other?
Heroes are 12 years old at heart, and for them women are props
and furniture.
MARCIA
What about girls? When I was 12 there were characters to identify
with.
SHIRLEY
Saint Joan? (sound of lobby chat rises again)
MARCIA
Auntie Mame.
SHIRLEY
Red Riding Hood.
MARCIA
Fanny Brice.
SHIRLEY
Kathryn Hepburn.
MARCIA
Dorothy of Oz.
SHIRLEY
The wicked witch.
MARCIA
Which wicked witch?
SHIRLEY
All of them! All that beautiful wickedness!
MARCIA
I’ve warned my niece there’s no future for her in today’s
theatre: and I’ve loved theatre since my Dad first took me
to “Oklahoma”.
GWEN
Thank you for the program. (offers it back to IKE -- dialog
overlaps)
SHIRLEY
Me, too! My grandmother took me to “South Pacific”,
and it was heaven. But these little South End theatre companies
are terrific.
I discovered them when I was walking over from Copley to the antique
shop across Tremont street--
IKE
You can keep it. (refuses program)
MARCIA
Your scarf-- is that from the Asterisk at Copley?
SHIRLEY
Why, yes!
BEN (offers)
Want a gummy bear? (IKE takes one)
MARCIA
I have one just like it! (shows her matching scarf)
GWEN
No thank you. (refuses candy. Begins to scrawl notes on program)
SHIRLEY
What good taste you have!
BEN (to GWEN)
These are real fruit, not sugar.
MARCIA
I hope you didn’t pay full price?
GWEN
OK, thanks. (takes candy, returns bag. BEN reads his book &
eats.)
SHIRLEY
70% off.
MARCIA
Asterisk has the best sales.
SHIRLEY
This theatre is a bargain. too. I came here to see a musical,
1/3 what it cost me in New York, and between you and me they did
a better job, so I keep--
MARCIA
Not “Bat Boy”?
SHIRLEY
No. “Company”.
MARCIA
My grandson’s seen “Bat Boy” 11 times. He wanted
to get me.
SHIRLEY
11 times! And you wouldn't go with him?
MARCIA
Not after he played me the CD! I want real music, not cheesy send-ups.
(BEN’s candy bag rattles when he gets a piece out. He
is interfering with GWEN’s eavesdropping. GWEN grabs BEN’s
hand and hisses “Ben! Stop Crinkling!” BEN looks at
her as if she’s gone demented, shrugs, goes back to his book.)
SHIRLEY
Some people say Sondheim’s responsible, but for me--
MARCIA
I like Sondheim! I'm not against difficult! Just knee jerk camp.
The A.R.T. has sunk so low I just can’t bear to go.
SHIRLEY
Talk about sinking! Did you see Richard II?
MARCIA
The swimming pool and sodomy?
SHIRLEY
What is it with directors and on stage water?
MARCIA
The only way they know to make a splash?
SHIRLEY
That and drag casting! Did you see “Dido”?
MARCIA
I canceled my subscription. Let them trash the classics on somebody
else’s dime.
SHIRLEY
I don’t care how good an actor is! I don’t want to see
a man as a burley-Q Venus, or a Dido’s Nurse out of Monty
Python! And not a critic in town to say “That stinks! That's
offensive!" It’s no excuse to cite the Greeks and Shakespeare.
(BEN goes for a bear from his candy bag, GWEN stops him, signals
him to be quiet so that she can hear SHIRLEY and MARCIA. Now Ben
understands: he listens too.)
MARCIA
The Greeks and Shakespeare were pigs! They beat their servants,
locked up their wives, made mince meat out of anybody who pissed
off a priest! These days women have the right to vote: why not
a little dignity?
SHIRLEY
It's like we're back in the fifties.
MARCIA
Some ways, it's worse. Trading the right to be supported after
marriage for the right to fool around beforehand isn’t so
smart a bargain.
SHIRLEY
More like trading Manhattan for a handful of glass beads.
MARCIA
Course the support thing was always iffy, and Alimony? Just a
myth!
SHIRLEY
I got alimony.
MARCIA
Wow. You must have had a gunsel of a lawyer. Only woman I ever
heard of got alimony, her husband did something he didn’t
want in the newspapers.
SHIRLEY
That may have been a factor.
MARCIA
My three marriages were like an expensive hobby. On top of kids,
which are a full time no pay job.
SHIRLEY
How many children do you have?
MARCIA
Three husbands, one kid with each. Total 17 years married, which
optimistically is less than a quarter of my life.
(BEN begins to take notes in a notebook.)
SHIRLEY
More than enough, I’d say! My ex is still a factor to be
reckoned with. Mister Bigbucks. Generous with his children; I’ll
give him that.
MARCIA
You're lucky. I took my deadbeats to court.
SHIRLEY
Not so very lucky -- Samuel didn't have much when we split.
It was after that he made his millions. I’m nice to his successive
wives-- not so nice that he’d worry, though. It's paid off.
My son is in business with him.
MARCIA
So do you do the holidays?
SHIRLEY
The children and grandchildren and I gather with him and his current.
MARCIA
Whose house do you go?
SHIRLEY
We meet at a good restaurant. Price for Samuel is no object, and
good restaurants tend to stay up and running longer than Sam’s
relationships.
MARCIA
My oldest son is married to a man.
(SHIRLEY looks up. Perhaps the whole theatre is listening?
Lobby sound bumps up. GWEN pantomimes that Ben should hide his
note-taking. IKE has his eyes closed.)
GWEN
I’ll have another gummy bear, please.
SHIRLEY (reassured)
That happens, these days.
MARCIA
He was married to a woman first and I have a granddaughter from
that. Then he divorced her and the next thing I know Raymond is
marrying this man. In a good restaurant catered ceremony, with
tuxes and a cake and some lesbian who claimed to be a rabbi. Violin,
canopy, breaking the glass, the whole magilla. His father was
pretty good about it, actually. I mean the jerk behaved surprisingly
well. Although anybody could see that he was shocked.
SHIRLEY
Anybody over 60 is bound to be shocked. Doing it in a really expensive
restaurant helps the old fogies get over it.
MARCIA
I’d get over it faster if I didn’t have to see all their
goddamn plays! Like you say, the women might as well be furniture!
When we were girls, who ever imagined that a man could marry the
groom? Let alone my own son.
SHIRLEY
My youngest son did it, too.
MARCIA
Yours, too?
SHIRLEY
It’s a small world. They both used Rabbi Rachel, am I right?
MARCIA
Raymond’s partner has two kids, and together they're adopting
one.
SHIRLEY
My son tells me they're going to hire a surrogate to carry on
the Stern family line. Samuel’s will pay-- if the surrogate’s
Jewish.
MARCIA
Besides those I have grand kids 16, 12, 6, and 4. Wonderful thing,
grandchildren. Makes it all worth while.
SHIRLEY
I have 9 so far. My oldest grandson is at Brandeis.
MARCIA
You must have married very young.
SHIRLEY
You, too.
MARCIA
I was 20.
SHIRLEY
I was 19. A young 19, a baby myself. What did I know?
VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER
Thank you for your patience, people. The house will be open in
about 2 minutes. (Lobby noise fades for Loudspeaker, rises
again)
(GWEN, hands clasped in prayer, mouths “O please don’t
stop, O please don’t”)
SHIRLEY
I knew nothing. A baby myself, I’m having babies. 1,2,3,4.
Boom!
(GWEN and BEN resume taking notes)
MARCIA
I’d just about figured out how to be a mother when Boom!
I’m dumped! So I have to figure out how to be also a father
and a college student and a breadwinner and deal with all sorts
of stuff I don’t think my parents ever dreamed existed outside
of Dostoevsky.
SHIRLEY
So what did you do?
MARCIA
The worst. I fell in love. Husband number one was a pervert in
his own way, but number two liked number 2! That particular shit
made the jerk I first married look like Mahatma Ghandi.
SHIRLEY
Ghandi was only Mahatma to the world. To his wife, he was a jerk.
(BEN snorts at this. GWEN stifles him with a tissue, and BEN
turns his stifled laugh into a discreet cough)
MARCIA
Well, I’ve been a jerk too, in my own humble way. After number
3 it’s live and let live, but only with “boyfriends”.
Why do we call them that? They’re too old to be "boys",
and not mensch enough to be friends.
SHIRLEY
The first time a so-called boyfriend sprawls on my sofa and expects
me to wait on him, it's "Bye bye Birdie". Back to the
vibrator. Greatest invention of the twentieth century.
MARCIA
The twenty first century improvements are pretty special, too.
SHIRLEY
Really? Am I missing something?
MARCIA
Where do you go for yours?
SHIRLEY
Walgreen’s?
MARCIA
Walgreen’s?! Try the Fetish Flea!
SHIRLEY
Fetish Flea? Where’s that? (the lobby is very very quiet,
all listening)
MARCIA
Wherever thay can get away with it! Sweetie, you’ll be astounded!
Exercise balls with attached battery-powered dildo, or a booty
tooter butt plug. A flesh-lite tongue that never tires. Satisfaction
guaranteed!
SHIRLEY
Sounds overwhelming.
MARCIA
You want subtle? Kama Sutra arousal oil, sensitivity swabs,
tickle toys like the busy bee vibrating pantie-- brightens up
a boring committee meeting. Want to go?
SHIRLEY
When and where?
MARCIA
Next Saturday at the Armory. No chance of running into anybody
observant.
SHIRLEY
We’d better we do this incognito. Scarf, wig, sunglasses,
exchange jackets and keep our heads down. You don’t want
to come face to face with your son in law!
MARCIA
God forbid!
VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER
The house is now open. You may take your seats.
(Lobby noise up full)
SHIRLEY (rising)
I’m Shirley Stern. I've got a card. (gets it out)
MARCIA (rising)
My name's Marcia Feldman. Where are you sitting? (takes card)
SHIRLEY
E26.
(GWEN rises, looks at her ticket)
MARCIA
I’m K7.
(BEN rises, looks at his ticket)
SHIRLEY
Way back and to the other side.
(BEN takes GWEN’s ticket)
MARCIA
We’ll get together afterwards.
BEN (holds out tickets, offering)
Ladies? You can have our tickets if you like. G 14 and 15.
GWEN
We aren’t a couple, just colleagues.
BEN
I’d prefer sitting farther back.
MARCIA (tempted)
Well-- (takes tickets, looks to Shirley for agreement)
SHIRLEY (sudden panic)
No, thank you! (exits quickly, out of the theatre, hissing
to MARCIA as she goes) Call me!
(MARCIA glares at others, pushes tickets back at Ben, sails
into the theatre in high dudgeon)
GWEN
Well, you screwed that up, Ben.
BEN
Probably be too far away to overhear them anyway.
GWEN
Maybe I don’t need to bother seeing “Isabella’s
Belles”.
BEN
I think everyone wanted to applaud the show we had here in the
lobby.
GWEN
You suppose the box office would give me a refund?
BEN
You got your money’s worth!
GWEN
Did Shirley really say that her son was hiring a surrogate??!!
BEN
I think I missed some of the best stuff? Especially in the beginning,
from the one who was facing away.
GWEN
Mrs. Samuel Stern. Isn’t there a Samuel Stern of about the
right age who runs Consolidated Charities?
BEN
I wish I’d gotten a peek at her business card.
GWEN
You want to hire her, or blackmail her?
BEN
I was thinking of calling her up, you know, pretending to be a
client. See what she has to say in a different context.....
GWEN
You’re going to put them in a play.
BEN
I only caught about half. But it’s a start, and if you’d
let me see yours--
GWEN
I’d have gotten it all if you didn’t make so damn much
noise!
BEN
We could collaborate...
GWEN
I just need ten minutes, and I got at least six. Make up your
own.
IKE
You can hear the part you missed, if you want.
GWEN
What?
IKE
I recorded it all, right here. (the pocket iPod. IKE shows
them the microphone on which he has recorded the conversation,
hands them each one of the ear buds. He turns on the sound, and
GWEN and BEN listen, start to correct their notes)
But I wouldn’t go to the trouble of writing a play, if I
were you.
I’ll have this little show edited into a podcast and broadcasting
over the Net before I go to sleep tonight. Twenty first century
improvements really are pretty special.
THE END
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