Monologues for Men

One-Minute Mouth-Offs
for Men
free one-minute monologues for students and auditions

By G. L. Horton
copyright © 2006, 2007 Geralyn Horton

The following one-minute mouth-off monologues are intended especially for men. Some of them may eventually find their way into a play, but for now I've shaped them into monologues that challenge the actors to fill in the missing details from their own imaginations: who, what, where, when, why, how?

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Christmas three years ago I gave my brother-in-law a wallet as a gift. He and my sister were having a rough time that year-- he lost his job, their baby needed an operation-- so I put some cash in the wallet to help them out. This year at our family Christmas get together, I opened a box from my brother-in-law and I found --the same wallet! I kept a straight face and thanked him casually without saying anything. Then I walked into the dining room and checked the inner compartment. My 800 bucks was still in there! I could have really thanked him-- and had a Christmas blow-out with the cash! But they still needed money more than I did, so I called my sister out of the family room and gave her the $800. You should have seen her face! She laughed so hard she finally had to tell everybody what her husband had done, so they could laugh too. I guess I'd advise that that if you are going to re-gift something, at least take a good look at what it is you were given.

I know when I put stuff out on a public forum like this that it's like-- well- like, anybody can eavesdrop. I mean, you're listening now, aren't you? Why do I say something if I don't want to be heard? I'm glad you're listening! But not my girlfriend. I want her to stop. It's like she's spying on me. She makes me feel as if she's gathering evidence. Like we're both sort of shady, and there's a crime here somewhere. Would she go through my dresser drawers? If she wants to know stuff, why doesn't she just come out and ask me? To my face! You know, I never really thought about this before. Not until she-- well, let's call her Karen. It's not her name but let's call her that-- "Karen" got all angry with me about what I said about my ex-girlfriend on her blog. Which means that "Karen" is not only listening to my blog, but to this other girl's blog as well. Is that creepy, or what? If she had a blog of her own for me and my friends to listen to, maybe that'd be ok. But as it is, I just don't see how we can move forward. When she listens to this comment, I know she's gonna be as pissed as a cat in the bathtub--but, hey! I don't like being spied on. Or accused. Pull my chain, you get a chain reaction! And what's with those photos on My Space?

Yeah! That's what I'm saying: kids don't belong. They've got no right to be with adults. When I'm in a bar or restaurant, hanging out with my buds, I don't want to see any snot nosed midgets. Running around, whining or screaming 'cause they're bored-- of course they're bored, it's for grownups, you idiots! The kids need a good swat on the behind, and parents like you should be locked up. For what? For pissing me off! I hate it when some f-ing parent gives me the evil eye. So-- me and my friends are saying the f-word? So what? This is a bar, lady! It's f-ing 11 o'clock at f-ing night! You want to keep your kids ears pure, keep 'em at home with the TV shut off, or send 'em to f-ing Sunday school! Fun, isn't it? Like, we put in our f-ing forty hours taking crap from stupid bosses and stupid customers, and then when the evening rolls around and we can finally wind down with a beer, I've got to watch my mouth on account of some stupid kid? Some idiot parent? Just shut up, will you? Get the hell out. This is a grown-up world, and you're not welcome to it!

Very few of us get through life without making mistakes, and very few of us are aware of our internal contradictions until some crisis makes it impossible for us to ignore them. I love my daughter, but I recognize now that it was the stress of being a new father that started my slide into depression. The depression led to getting fired from a job-- which I was too depressed to admit, even to myself. Which led to me lying to my wife about it. Which ultimately led to my divorce. So-- would I have been better off without my daughter? Maybe. Maybe if I had waited till later, if my job and my relationship had been more stable-- maybe then I could have dealt with the stress. But that later child wouldn't have been Amy, and she's the one I love. Or maybe I was bound to crash anyway. Something else would have pushed me over the edge. Or maybe going through depression and divorce and landing in the pit of Hell was the price I had to pay to get myself into counseling and onto the right medication, and the sooner I did that the better. Would I give up my daughter to go back to before? To the job, the marriage? The inner contradictions, waiting to explode? No, I would not. I hit a bad patch, and I wasn't able to steer though it. My life went bust, and my wife jumped clear of the wreck. Maybe we should have known better than to have a child together-- or maybe neither of us should be a parent at all. But Amy was born, and she's the most important thing in our separate lives. We'll do the best we can for her. We're trying to raise her right.

See also: One-Minute Mouthoff Monologues for:
Younger people | Men | Women | Anyone
Conservatives | Liberals | War in Iraq | Religion

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