2 Monologues for Males
(free for students & auditions)

"Just trying to be friendly"
from the one act play Conventional Behavior

By G. L. Horton
copyright © 1984, 1996 Geralyn Horton

HAL: teens or early 20's, a nice but nerdy physics student, not an outstanding physical specimen. Hal is attending his first Science Fiction Convention, wearing jeans and a Star Trek tee shirt and looking for kindred spirits, especially female ones.
RAY GUN: teens or early 20's, wearing a flamboyant red space pirate outfit, complete with boots, cape, and flashing toy ray gun.

HAL: teens or early 20's, a nice but nerdy physics student, not an outstanding physical specimen. Hal is attending his first Science Fiction Convention, wearing jeans and a Star Trek tee shirt and looking for kindred spirits, especially female ones.

Great costume! Bet you win a prize. ... Sorry. I didn't mean to stare. You're so beautiful I don't think I thought you were real. I -- I kind of zoned out. (abashed) I seem to keep putting my foot in it. The worst of it is, I don't even know how it keeps happening: there I am, trying to talk to a girl-- a woman-- and here I am all tangled up again. It's like a curse. I've never been to one of these before. I feel so-- weird. But not as weird as everybody else! That's what my friend Ken said: "In science fiction, weird is standard. " Ken was supposed to take me to this, but his uncle died. Anyway, he really sold me on coming. Said he looks forward to the convention all year, you know? Cause women at cons aren't like regular girls-- I mean like --civilians?.... "Mundanes"-- right. Ken said we'd be able to could talk to you-- . Except I can't. Total strike-out. If I'd known I'd be on my own, I'd've had him rehearse me. The way he pictured it, all you had to do was walk into a party. I tried that. Last night. I heard there was a one on the nineteenth floor. So I decided I'd go up to it. It took me forty minutes to get into an elevator: there were huge crowds and some people had figured it out so they could be in front of one exactly as it opens and shove in all their friends. When I finally got on, instead of going up, it went to the basement and stuck there: some techie's idea of a joke, I guess. For which I got blamed! I was standing in front of the buttons, but I never touched them, honest! They were like a lynch mob! They threw me off, and I had to walk, subbasement to nineteen, 21 floors. I hadn't brought an ID, so I couldn't get a beer. Not that I'm that big on alcohol, but it might have helped. To deal with Elfs. Elves. It was decorated all like-- like-- And they were standing around being--Them. They all had big pointed ears and costumes-- well, some were't wearing anything but little bits of fur over lots of skin. Anyway, they all knew who they were. Do you know what I mean? Each of them was somebody I was supposed to recognize. But after about six words they'd realize I didn't recognize them, and they'd just walk away from me. Talk about alien.

RAY GUN is costumed as some sort of Space Pirate, RAY is talking to an unseen person he assumes is a fellow Role Player in a LARP game he is playing at atheScience Fiction Convention. RAY begins by giving the secret sign, a silly combination of gesture and salute, and the unseen OPERATIVE gives the counter-sign.

RAY: Operative? (makes gestural secret sign) The message is we've been cracked. Only give what you've got if you are absolutely sure. And watch out for the Spider Woman. We don't know what she's wearing, but she's extremely dangerous. If she gets a hold of you she'll get what you got, and we're dead meat. (OPERATIVE, unheard, asks RAY about his Ray Gun.)
My gun? I made it. Clever, huh? I'm a Filthy Huckster, and I've got about 300 more of them downstairs at my booth, if you're interested. ...
No, it's not Peace Bonded, you idiot! Screw the Oversight Committee! That kind of authoritarian bullshit makes me want to Berserker! (points toy ray gun and shoots flashes) Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak! Where do you get off, cutting out the heart, the dick, puking all over our good healthy aggressive wish-fulfilling cathartic play! The name of the game is Rebellion!
(punctuates his speech with ray-shots)
Us against them! Son against the Father! Brother against Big Brother! Individual against the Empire! So don't come to me with any peckerpockkin' regulations, we're here as free spirits! Let the rays glow, the spirits flow, and the fucking Force be with you! Ak-ak-ak-ak! Do you seriously mean to contend that anyone no matter how paranoid could possibly mistake this item for a threat to life? Oh, no! This gun is not a lethal weapon, quite the contrary: this, ladies and gents, this is my galactic sex pistol! Yes, sir, one blast with this and the lucky female is enslaved, a prisoner of rampaging lust! Ak-ak-ak-ak! The Oversight Committee, for cripes sake! These are the leaders we've allowed to run amok on us: when we should be running amok ourselves! Anarchy forever! Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!

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